We can be naked, close, even entangled—
and still feel miles away from honesty.
We may long for a slower rhythm, a firmer grip, a softer tone—
but stay silent.
We might crave more presence, more play, or more aftercare—
but we swallow the words.
In bed, the place where we should feel most free,
we often feel most afraid to speak.
But why?
???? Because We Were Taught to Be Pleasing, Not Honest
For many of us, especially those socialized as women,
desire was something to suppress—not express.
We learned how to be desirable, not how to be desiring.
We were praised for being “low-maintenance,”
for not asking “too much,”
for being “chill,” even when we were disconnected.
We internalized the idea that the ideal lover is easy, effortless, undemanding—
which makes voicing needs feel like breaking a silent contract.
????????️ Because Shame Still Lurks in the Body
Asking for what you want means admitting that you want.
And for many, wanting still feels dangerous.
Old messages echo:
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“Good girls don’t like that.”
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“That’s not normal.”
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“You’re too much.”
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“You should just be grateful for what you get.”
So we mute ourselves.
We nod when we want to redirect.
We fake moans instead of giving guidance.
We perform satisfaction instead of pursuing it.
???? Because Vulnerability Feels Riskier Than Silence
To say “I want…” is to risk rejection.
To say “Can you…?” is to open the door to someone saying no—or worse, making you feel wrong for asking.
So we protect ourselves.
We avoid the risk.
And in doing so, we also avoid real intimacy.
???? Because We Don’t Always Know What We Want
When you’ve spent a lifetime prioritizing someone else’s pleasure,
it’s easy to lose track of your own.
Sometimes we don’t speak because we’re still discovering.
Because we’ve never had a space safe enough to explore.
Because desire is buried beneath layers of shame, fear, performance, and people-pleasing.
And that’s not failure.
That’s conditioning.
???? So How Do We Begin to Ask?
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Get clear with yourself first.
Journaling, solo touch, breathwork, fantasy—these are tools of discovery, not indulgence. -
Practice outside the bedroom.
Use your voice in low-stakes moments: “I prefer this,” “Can we try that,” “Here’s what I enjoy.” -
Name your discomfort, not just your desire.
Try: “This is hard for me to say, but I’d like to try…” or “I’m a little nervous, but I want to feel more…” -
Start small, but start.
You don’t need to pour out your entire erotic blueprint all at once.
Sometimes the bravest thing is asking to slow down, to be held, or to try something new—gently.
???? Final Thought: Your Voice Is Worth Hearing
The fear of asking isn’t a flaw—it’s a signal.
That you were raised in a world that didn’t make space for your pleasure.
That silence was once your shield.
But intimacy without truth is a performance.
And sex without voice is just another place we disappear.
Asking for what you want is not selfish.
It’s sacred.
And your pleasure is not too much—it’s yours.
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